Being the protagonist of your very own Harem has its drawbacks... Here are a few tips to help you survive!
So, you’ve just transferred into a newly-opened high school and are ready to take on the school year. As you step through the gates, you find yourself being met with more than a few stares. Is it your breath? Is your uniform on wrong? Is the jam from your “early morning run-to-school toast” all over your face?
You, my friend, could be the upcoming protagonist for a newly-forming Harem! That unnerving feeling of being watched 24/7, that’s the first sign that a Harem may be comin’ your way!
With your shiny new Harem quickly coming around the corner, let’s make the most of what little freedom you have left with my new guide!
It can’t hurt to be at least a little bit prepared. That’s why I’ve compiled a list of a few select candidates for your Harem that you’ll have the most trouble with!
Let’s call it… “The Harem Survival Guide”! Has a nice ring to it, don’tcha think?
Let’s get started!
The Cute Klutz
The Cute Klutz is generally quite timid and often has trouble speaking her mind. However, beneath the recently spilled bento box and the mountain of apologies soon after, there is a passionate soul, just looking for somebody to love.
Unfortunately for you, you’ll probably find yourself quite overwhelmed with this little lady. Not only will your overwhelming Charisma Stat create a few problems, no matter what you do, she’ll probably fawn over you even more!
Due to her timid nature, she’ll feel as if you don’t understand her feelings simply because she hasn’t voiced them to you yet. This does not work in your favor however, because the conclusion she will eventually come to is to make you realize how she feels without her having to tell you!
As she continues to make her love for you be known, she’ll try many unique ways to make you understand her feelings.
You may find that she’s made you a yummy lunch! But WAIT. Don’t open that bento box! There’s a long, heated story about the origin of that bento box, almost as flammable as the box itself, if you catch my drift.
Under the lid you’ll find yourself face to face with some sort of black-colored dish. But that’s not Burger King’s latest squid-ink burger my friend. In fact, you’d be hard-pressed to call that food at all!
If you can’t quickly think of an excuse not to eat it, you’d best take it like a man and gulp it down! Keep your cries of anguish deep inside though, because making a girl cry is not in your job description.
The Tsundere candidate is a faulty light switch when it comes to love. One minute she’s happy, the next minute she’s trying to poke your eyes out for lookin’ at her weird!
A Tsundere is often confused by her own emotions, especially that of the love category. The anger she feels from her conflict can only be solved by one thing; violence!
If you find yourself in the company of a Tsundere, you’ll most likely find yourself in a love triangle with her, yourself, and her fists! This isn’t a girl you should be taking lightly; she’s as unstable as a house of cards in a wind tunnel on a speedboat in outer space! You better hope your school has a great nurse, because you’ll definitely be making more than a few trips there! But don’t let Ms. Tsundere see you talking to the nurse, or you’ll be in for it!
My only advice for this candidate is to pack all the bandages you can. You’ll be doing a lot of running too, so you may want to find a safe place to hide in order to catch your breath.
Head down to your nearest Armor Shoppe to buy a shield too, it’ll come in handy for those pesky incoming Tsun-Tsun projectiles!
Deep within her battle armor however, is a heart of gold. If she’s your kinda gal, do your best to endure the many punches comin’ your way. The harder she hits, the stronger her love for you is! I’m sure she’ll let-up sooner or later…
Here’s a little lesson in the Harem Arts brought to you by yours truly! The “Tsun” in Tsundere refers to a harsh, cold attitude, while the “Dere” in Tsundere refers to a sweet, kindhearted attitude.
Deep within your Harem Sanctum lies a peculier candidate… The Hideyoshi. Not a man, nor a woman! This specimen is an unsolvable rubik’s cube of wonder; not a single man or woman can resist the charms of a Hideyoshi! Will you pick the forbidden fruit, or resist the Hideyoshi’s womanly wiles? The choice is yours!
I’m sure you know this by now, but deep below the soft, smooth exterior, lies the soul of a male! This candidate was created for the soul purpose of throwing a gorilla-sized monkey wrench into your master Harem plan (and forcing one to question their sexuality). There’s only one piece of advice I can give you, and that is: if he’s drawn to look like a girl, there’s no shame!
Oh, and keep the tissues handy!
..For the nosebleeds, I mean. A Hideyoshi doesn’t have the modesty of a woman, so there won’t be any coverin’ up on his watch! You better steer clear if you know what’s good for ya! You only have so much blood, you know?
The final candidate on this list, the Yandere! The only thing deeper than her love for you are the stab wounds of her enemies. Yep, you heard right! This firecracker is as psycho as they come.
When she’s not violently killing those that have wronged her or her man (that’s you), she’ll be as loving and attentive as a normal girlfriend! You know, the type without the, erm… Tendencies.
There’s a buttload of advice to give here, but I’ll keep it short!
Calling the police is only going to make her list of victims larger. There’s no force in this world that can possibly tear her apart from her man! Not even an army. Spare those brave soldiers their lives, and just bear the brunt of her psychotic nature.
And, let’s be real. If you have a Yandere in your Harem, there is no Harem. Your future with the Yandere candidate is set in stone. The other candidates will either be scared away, or brutally murdered. Either way, you’ll be spending the rest of your life with the Yandere anyway!
Just do as she says and you’ll make her a happy gal! You’ll have nothing to worry about as long as you don’t make any sudden movements… She may get the wrong idea!
One last piece of advice! You’ll need to stock up on some steel polish and some stain remover. Just… trust me on this one.
And that’s it for my Harem Survival Guide! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Don’t forget to check out the wealth of Harem anime on AnimeLab (I recommend Date A Live, it’s my personal favorite)!
Have any other tips for future Harem Protagonists? Comment below!